things i've learned

1. Sweeping characterizations of entire groups are usually inaccurate and always unhelpful. ("Those millennials!")

2. Speculating on someone's inner state or intelligence is unhelpful.

Bad:

· "You're a bigot."

· "She's jealous."

· "He's stupid."

Better:

· "That's inaccurate."

Bad:

· "People who think that are selfish/ignorant/_____."

Better:

· "The result of that thinking is_____."

3. Variety is key.

Bad:

· 50 posts in a row about veganism.

Better:

· your kid's trophy, connecting with an old friend, funny observation, serious prayer request, political stuff, arts stuff, books, movies,....

4. Rule Of Four: after four disagreeing exchanges, neither person will really get anywhere. Find something to harmonize on and leave it.

5. Starting and ending on common ground is often effective, and more often leads away from "me vs you" and toward "us".

6. Rule of Six: if you don't know the person personally (test: if you saw each other in the shop, could you call each other by name?), cut your response threshold by a factor of 6.