how to make an otherwise terrific movie less miserable

I just saw Les Miserables. I have several requests.

1. Do not blame Hugh Jackman. He's a fine actor, and an OK singer, and he's only to blame insofar as he accepted an extremely bad musical situation, namely the one created by the person you should blame. Blame Stephen Brooker. He's the musical director who made the bad decision to keep Jackman's vocal lines in their stage keys. It's a bad decision if you want Hugh Jackman, and it's a bad decision if you want to put a musical on the screen. (Listen to the Broadway and film soundtracks of The King And I back to back: the film version is at least a fourth or fifth lower in most songs.) Perfectly inexcusable. Most of the vocal ranges could and should have been lowered, and Jackman's could at times have been profitably lowered an entire octave. He sounded strained and wrong the whole time. It's not his fault. That one decision crapped on a perfectly great movie.

2. Praise Anne Hathaway. You'll hear from aficionados that she didn't do as well as a more trained singer. Pish. She's also a fine actor who's an OK singer, but in her case it all worked as it should. The entire time she's on screen she becomes more and more fearless as an actor. The result is simply thrilling. 

3. Thank the casting directors for filling the minor roles with people who could sing well. Yes, they all have that puny Broadway sound, but you were never going to hear Bryn Terfel. The minor characters balanced the film's weaknesses admirably.

4. If you ever write a musical, do not ever include the word "you." Especially at the climax of a line or anywhere where it'll last longer than a quarter of a second. The reason is that your singers will slaughter it every single time. No actor or actress who sings for the popular stage or screen is in any way capable of pronouncing this common, fine word. Again: no matter how difficult it is, avoid it entirely. We say it all the time, we speak it just perfectly, actors intone it well or poorly or with different accents, pop singers and opera singers and church choirs the world over have little problem with it, but in the entire history of Broadway musicals there has never been one single person who has ever managed to sing the word "you" without causing the gods of art, language, and common sense to cringe.

And some individual requests:

5. Russell Crowe, for heaven's sake get rid of that nasal affectation when you sing. You sound so studly when you speak. Keep that studly, non-nasal sound when you sing. It's actually easier.

6. Helena Bonham Carter, either stop acting entirely or stop bringing Tim Burton with you to every dang movie. Your choice.

7. Danny Cohen, have a good craftsman make an Oscar statue for you and put it on your shelf. You won't get one from the academy, but you absolutely deserve it. The cinematography was technically flawless and emotionally resonant. And while you're at it, have one made for Anne Dudley, the orchestrator. Gorgeous, tasteful orchestrations for the movies, that corrected the many sloppy orchestrations in the stage version, while providing depth and breadth and restraint and complexity that brought the whole thing to the level of good art.

8. Reader, go see this movie. It really is magnificent. At its best, it's overwhelming, and one must always thank Hollywood profusely whenever it gets religion right. They did, and then some. At the very least, they've provided a superb visual record of Les Miz, ripe for anyone to dub over. James Morris, Jessye Norman, Bryn Terfel, Anna Netrebko, I'll be getting in touch.