a milestone, and a 700-day conversation
I've been working behind the scenes at a church for some years now, attempting to get the church to address the issue of accountability. What happens when something goes wrong? What happens when I'm angry at you for something?
If you ever want to get a glimpse of what a church is like, bypass the questions about musical style and whether there are small groups, and ask, "Who wins an argument at this church? How are conflicts resolved?"
Actually, this works for other organizations as well.
Meanwhile, my behind-the-scenes work comprised conversations with staffers, lay leaders, committee leaders, pastors, interim pastors, and all over again: a representative sample of every rank and file of church life. I truly believe that it was my mission, my last ministry at a church where I'd been ministering many years, to bring the issues of Biblical accountability to the table. Naturally, I was under no illusions about whether people are likely to change if they don't want to. I understood from the outset that I was strictly to be the one who brought it up.
Though I didn't explore every single possible avenue, I may have explored enough to come to some tentative conclusions: far from being one of those situations in which the will of a group of people can be known and has a definitive direction but is being blocked by a few gatekeepers, this is a case in which we can say that the will of the group is being carried out by nearly everyone. Every single person I talked to, whether paid or unpaid, whether super-involved or casually involved, whether a decisions person or an influence person or an action person, every person, unanimously, expressed great enthusiasm at the thought that this church could finally begin mending a flaw, great relief that someone was pushing to get things done, great support for whatever plan (a sermon series, a 40-day study, an official change of policy) was in their sphere.
And every person, unanimously, then found some way of saying that they couldn't really follow through. I heard "it's too soon," a mere 30 days before hearing "it's too late." I heard "Man, I'm really on board with this but I just have too much on my plate right now." I heard "you're hurting" (so therefore this isn't an issue? Well of course it is, but "you're obviously still feeling much pain." The implications of that are disturbing enough to be outside the scope of this post). I heard "I understand some Deacons, and perhaps some staff, may prefer not to emphasize the problem, so I, of course, do not want to be divisive."
Listen to the conversations behind that last statement.
Of course, the best way to divide a church is to avoid a discussion about conflict and confrontation and accountability and problem-solving.
So my last ministry there is finished, with the result I'd predicted but not desired. One sign it was done was when a thread of my effort finally came to its conclusion last September. I offer you, expunged of personal details, 18 emails that took place over 700 days.
There you have it. Merely a symbol of the many many conversations I've had over 5 years, that all turned out just about like this one.
There is, though, one thing that can be done, and it's something you can do: adopt this rule in your own life. Take no action on any complaint against anyone until that person has heard that complaint, from the person who made it.
There's a corollary: Accept no action on any complaint against yourself until you have heard that complaint, from the person who made it.
Sure, there are business situations where it couldn't apply, but in interpersonal ones it most certainly does. At times it will take everything you've got to stick with it. You will be amazed at how strongly people will insist that this (entirely reasonable and fair) policy must not be followed. They'll give all sorts of reasons that sound right for a moment, but you can stand strong. It can change your life, and it can transform your family, your office, your school, every group you're part of.
Whadaya say? Promise?
If you ever want to get a glimpse of what a church is like, bypass the questions about musical style and whether there are small groups, and ask, "Who wins an argument at this church? How are conflicts resolved?"
Actually, this works for other organizations as well.
Meanwhile, my behind-the-scenes work comprised conversations with staffers, lay leaders, committee leaders, pastors, interim pastors, and all over again: a representative sample of every rank and file of church life. I truly believe that it was my mission, my last ministry at a church where I'd been ministering many years, to bring the issues of Biblical accountability to the table. Naturally, I was under no illusions about whether people are likely to change if they don't want to. I understood from the outset that I was strictly to be the one who brought it up.
Though I didn't explore every single possible avenue, I may have explored enough to come to some tentative conclusions: far from being one of those situations in which the will of a group of people can be known and has a definitive direction but is being blocked by a few gatekeepers, this is a case in which we can say that the will of the group is being carried out by nearly everyone. Every single person I talked to, whether paid or unpaid, whether super-involved or casually involved, whether a decisions person or an influence person or an action person, every person, unanimously, expressed great enthusiasm at the thought that this church could finally begin mending a flaw, great relief that someone was pushing to get things done, great support for whatever plan (a sermon series, a 40-day study, an official change of policy) was in their sphere.
And every person, unanimously, then found some way of saying that they couldn't really follow through. I heard "it's too soon," a mere 30 days before hearing "it's too late." I heard "Man, I'm really on board with this but I just have too much on my plate right now." I heard "you're hurting" (so therefore this isn't an issue? Well of course it is, but "you're obviously still feeling much pain." The implications of that are disturbing enough to be outside the scope of this post). I heard "I understand some Deacons, and perhaps some staff, may prefer not to emphasize the problem, so I, of course, do not want to be divisive."
Listen to the conversations behind that last statement.
Of course, the best way to divide a church is to avoid a discussion about conflict and confrontation and accountability and problem-solving.
So my last ministry there is finished, with the result I'd predicted but not desired. One sign it was done was when a thread of my effort finally came to its conclusion last September. I offer you, expunged of personal details, 18 emails that took place over 700 days.
Tue, Oct 13, 2009 at 6:55 AM
From: Barry Brake
To: H__________
[How about if you] propose the following:No action will be taken on any complaint against a staff member or lay leader until that person has heard that complaint from the complainant.
I know that, at least as far as how things actually turn out, it's tilting at windmills, but there can be no pretext under which anyone could criticize this rule: it's merely an official recognition of scripture in Matthew 18:15 and Ephesians 4.
--
barry
Tue, Oct 13, 2009 at 9:42 AM
From: H__________
To: Barry Brake
That's probably a good idea — not for the [x committee] — but for the [y committee]. I’ll pass along the suggestion.
Wed, Nov 4, 2009 at 3:38 PM
From: Barry Brake
To: H__________
What has come of this, if anything? Have you talked to anyone?
--
barry
Wed, Nov 4, 2009 at 3:58 PM
From: H__________
To: Barry Brake
Our committee has had only an organizational meeting and probably won't meet again until after the first of the year. But I still have this in my notes and will bring it up.
Tue, Jan 5, 2010 at 5:14 PM
From: Barry Brake
To: H__________
OK -- what's the word on this? Will you all be having a meeting soon?
--
barry
Tue, Jan 5, 2010 at 5:47 PM
From: H__________
To: Barry Brake
No meeting yet scheduled. I'll let you know.
Thu, Feb 11, 2010 at 5:51 PM
From: Barry Brake
To: H__________
Any progress on this?
--
barry
Thu, Feb 11, 2010 at 11:24 PM
From: H__________
To: Barry Brake
Not yet. We're focusing now on getting a few stragglers [...] to actually complete their policies for approval. When it comes time for the annual review of those documents, I’ll make sure the [x committee] takes this up.
Fri, Feb 12, 2010 at 12:32 AM
From: Barry Brake
To: H__________
> When it comes time for the annual review of those documents, I’ll make sure
> the [x committee] takes this up.
So would that be a church-wide rule, then, or would it only apply to the [x committee]? That committee hasn't even been part of the process in some of the things that such a church-wide rule would correct.
--
barry
Fri, Feb 12, 2010 at 11:08 AM
From: H__________
To: Barry Brake
Well, that's an interesting question. My sense was that it would be an issue for the [x] policy. I don't know where it would be stated elsewhere, unless it would be in the area of the bylaws that deals with membership. We'll chew on the possibilities. I can assure you that nothing will happen overnight!
Thu, Aug 26, 2010 at 4:24 AM
From: Barry Brake
To: H__________
Whatever came of this? Has it been taken up by the [x committee]? How did people respond?
--
barry
Thu, Aug 26, 2010 at 8:54 AM
From: H__________
To: Barry Brake
Nothing has come of it. I'll try to see if anyone on the [x committee] has seriously considered it and encourage them to do something. Thanks for reminding me.
Sun, Mar 6, 2011 at 4:24 AM
From: Barry Brake
To: H__________
Whatever came of this? Has it been taken up by the [x committee]? How did people respond?
--
barry
Sun, Mar 6, 2011 at 9:46 PM
From: H__________
To: Barry Brake
I don't know what the [x committee] has ever done with this, but I'll put it on our agenda for discussion. This time we were dealing with amendments which needed to be made to smooth day-to-day administrative stuff.
Thu, Sep 22, 2011 at 12:31 PM
From: Barry Brake
To: H__________
How did the discussion go?
--
barry
Thu, Sep 22, 2011 at 1:43 PM
From: H__________
To: Barry Brake
I thought I'd given you the report on this. We determined that any statement like this did not belong in the [x committee] and referred it to the [y committee]. The committee leader of that committee told me several weeks ago that they had discussed it and decided not to include it in their [new policy] since they believe [it] already adequately address the manner in which complaints are handled.
Thu, Sep 22, 2011 at 2:23 PM
From: Barry Brake
To: H__________
Wow, I hadn't heard that.
Do *you* think that the [new policy] adequately addresses the manner in which complaints are handled?
--
barry
Thu, Sep 22, 2011 at 5:29 PM
From: H__________
To: Barry Brake
I doubt it. But I was told that "we must rely on our members to handle things biblically." I answered that that hasn't been the case on many occasions. A shrug, a nod and a change of subject.
There you have it. Merely a symbol of the many many conversations I've had over 5 years, that all turned out just about like this one.
There is, though, one thing that can be done, and it's something you can do: adopt this rule in your own life. Take no action on any complaint against anyone until that person has heard that complaint, from the person who made it.
There's a corollary: Accept no action on any complaint against yourself until you have heard that complaint, from the person who made it.
Sure, there are business situations where it couldn't apply, but in interpersonal ones it most certainly does. At times it will take everything you've got to stick with it. You will be amazed at how strongly people will insist that this (entirely reasonable and fair) policy must not be followed. They'll give all sorts of reasons that sound right for a moment, but you can stand strong. It can change your life, and it can transform your family, your office, your school, every group you're part of.
Whadaya say? Promise?
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